No More Semaphore

The Non-Ask Ask

A hand wave. A sigh. A remark about a need (“I’m thirsty”) untethered from a request (“Could you please bring me a glass of water?”)

Not all communication needs words. But when someone doesn’t use words because they expect their desires will be met without them, or because they don’t want to commit themselves to a spoken request, it is often manipulative.

By responding to these non-ask asks with speedy compliance we can set up an unhealthy dynamic. Here are some examples.

Non-ask ask: “I’m so busy. I’ve got three client deadlines.”

Compliant response: “I can take that project on. My workload is light this week.”

Sometimes the non-ask ask can be couched in learned helplessness or weaponized incompetence where someone pretends not to know something they do know, or doesn’t bother to take the time to master a skill that is part of their job.

“I can’t work this CRM system. It’s complicated,” is an example of learned helplessness. Assuming this person needs no legitimate accommodations, they can, indeed, learn how to use the CRM system. They just don’t want to; they want someone else to do the job for them.

I’ve seen people respond to learned helplessness with instant capitulation. “You can just send me your sales report in excel.”

If someone said that to me, I would respond by asking if they’ve scheduled further training on the CRM system. Because I don’t play. I don’t allow people who are capable of performing or learning how to perform a boring task to pass that task onto another unless there is a compelling business reason to do so.

I call these ways of signaling a desire without using words and expecting compliance semaphore. And I do not respond to it.

Semaphore is a method of communicating that uses flags or other devices to transmit information. Long ago, ships would communicate this way, one person on the ship moving their arms to form patterns with small flags that conveyed letters. Think Morse code but with flags – one arm down, the other straight up is, according to the internet, the letter D.

We don’t know what the letter D is when spelled with flags because most of us don’t use flags to communicate. We use words, spoken or written. When someone wants to signal distress or a need but doesn’t want to own that with an actual request, I call it semaphore. The big sigh, the emotional hand flapping, the heavy hint.

People may avoid using their words because they are afraid of a no, or conflict, or indicating that they need help.

Sometimes they signal to preserve a conception of themselves that isn’t accurate. I’m a self-starter, hard worker, team player, good manager. When, in actuality, they are just surrounded by people who overfunction for them, but they don’t have to own it because they don’t say the words.

If a man doesn’t actually say the words “I need you to do this work for me so I can take credit for it with my boss and justify why I’m paid more than you are” then he can hold onto the idea that he is collaborating, managing, mentoring, rather than accept the reality that he is riding another person’s hard work up the corporate ladder and stealing credit and the salary increases that come with it.

What do you do if you work with, or live with, a flag waver who is reluctant to use their words?

First, recognize what is happening. Where this is a long-standing pattern of behavior, it can take a moment to see the dynamic.

Second, if you’ve been participating, if you volunteer to respond to the semaphore, get curious as to why. Is it mandatory? People in abusive relationships with bosses or partners often have no choice but to participate in anticipatory compliance if they want to stay safe or employed. It still is valuable for you to name what is happening to yourself or trusted friends, so your response is intentional and doesn’t become habit.

But if you have an option not to respond with compliance and you still do, ask yourself why? What does it serve? Were you, like me, conditioned to respond to men or people in authority? Was there some understanding that you got bonus points for anticipating needs?

Then stop complying.

The pause is good here. Sitting in silence until a request is made with actual words might feel awkward – again, a result of our socialization – but it is effective. In a group, someone else might volunteer to overfunction for their teammate. Or the teammate might realize this isn’t working and put down the flags – although I don’t see this very often.

If it’s appropriate you could be blunt. “Are you asking for someone else to do this for you?” Again, wherever possible we want to name, not volunteer. I would never ask “do you want me to do this for you,” unless there was a compelling reason for me to do the task myself. I would also not ask if the person wanted me to find the resources to do their work. If they need to delegate, they can find the resource to whom they delegate.

You can and should use your words. Name it. Invite them to ask for what they want. I like to use words like “exactly” or “specifically” to indicate that I want details, not vague assertions.

· What, specifically, are you asking us to do?

· Will you be able to get that task done by the deadline?

· Are you saying you don’t have time to learn how to use the CRM and someone else on the team should be doing your sales updates for you?

For the learned helpless contingent, especially if I’m their manager, I will be very clear and address any idea that they shouldn’t have to do or learn to do something integral to their job. This assumes I know that there isn’t an underlying issue like a learning difference or neurodivergence at play.

If this is new to you, it may feel quite uncomfortable. And if this is an established dynamic with another person, they may not react well. They may start flapping all sorts of non-verbal flags about how frustrated they are with you. I advise ignoring the emotional semaphore, or name it.

“Is there something specific you would like me to do?”

If they ask, you can say yes or no to their request. If they don’t ask, don’t volunteer. Walk away.

The only time I respond to semaphore is with a young child or someone I am connected to who genuinely lacks emotional, intellectual or physical capacity in a particular moment.

The other day my grandson, who is four, was tired and overwhelmed and became deeply upset when given a regular sized spoon to eat his yogurt. His face crumpled and he waved the offending utensil about. I know he prefers the child-sized spoon (blue or green, depending on the day) and so I got him a small spoon. Because he is four years old, and was tired and didn’t really have the capacity at that moment to parse all that was happening in his little body and express his need for a different implement. I took the rejected larger spoon from his fist and handed him the small blue spoon. He appreciated it, and walked back to the table to eat the yogurt sitting on his plastic alphabet placemat. “R is for rabbit” he said, pointing to the placemat. R in semaphore is signaled with both arms straight out. But we don’t need to know that because in my house we use words.