What I didn’t know about getting older

Aging well is the best revenge

Our cultural narratives about aging are focused on diminished mental capacity, not expanded spiritual authority. But I understand more as I get older, I have a perspective and, yes, wisdom, I didn’t realize I would achieve.

I was born in 1962, and I am now 62 years old, at least for a couple more weeks. When I was young I had a vague idea of what it would be like to be in my sixties, and I am quite pleased that I was mostly wrong.

Here are some wonderful things about being this age which I didn’t anticipate when I was younger.

Really, truly, not giving a fuck. While there are, and always will be, a few people whose good opinion matters to me, I am much less concerned with how society, or individuals think of me anymore.

It is infinitely freeing not to reference what “other people” will think of what I wear, who I vote for, how I spend my money or style my hair. I save so much by not being compelled to buy, do or want the latest thing, whatever that might be, to help me conform to someone else’s idea of beauty, prosperity or success.

New Family Joys. Of course I heard people rhapsodize about their grandchildren, but I didn’t believe them. Their enthusiasm seemed hyperbolic, and people can wax lyrical about everything from dahlias to hot sauce. Then I had grandchildren. All that they said is true, and then some.

I am also surprised at the deep joy in having a wonderful son-in-law. I’m not surprised that I love and delight in my grown daughter. And of course, I hoped for her to find a partner with whom she could build a great life. But I didn’t think I’d like him so much. As a woman who raised her children alone, the joy of watching my beloved grandchildren be raised with a mother and father, and a father so flat out wonderful is an unexpected delight.

Savoring old friendships. I don’t have a large circle of close friends, but I have a strong connection with a few friends who I value more as the years move on. Mary Virginia and I have been friends for over half a century, and speak almost every day. Her kids are like my nieces and nephews. Juliette and I have been friends almost a quarter of a century and our connection continues to deepen.

Eugene and I have known each other forty years, and doing the Bad Boss Brief podcast every couple of weeks over the last few years has been so much fun. Getting together and throwing words and ideas around with a friend and fellow writer is delightful, but the fact that a bunch of people want to listen to us do that is especially enjoyable. He said on his recent tour a number of people who came to see him perform with his band Buñuel said they love the podcast. We try to do interesting content, but I think listening to two old friends with very different lives discuss, disagree and debate is engaging.

All of these friendships are inviting. People want to stand next to us and warm their hands at the campfire of our friendship and we’re always happy to have them join.

A working body. I wasn’t surprised by the aches and pains of getting older, and I have had my share. But I wasn’t expecting that all the working out over the years would pay off so well. I can’t hike or walk too far anymore, but I can and do swim often. It’s a small burst of happy to walk up to a machine at the gym after a fit young man has been using it and not have to move the pin on the weight stack.

We talk so much about the challenges of menstruation, perimenopause and menopause. Which are real. But we don’t talk as often about the joys of being post-menopausal. No periods, no hormonal surges or ebbs, no need for birth control, the challenges of menopause are in my rear-view mirror and good riddance. I was done with menopause – which for me was pretty easy – at 55. And it’s been smooth sailing ever since. It really does pass.

Good work. I often struggle with the question of where my career would be if I had been a man. And I find getting traction in the world of publishing to be very slow and frustrating. But I do value the fact that I still I have clients who I enjoy and respect. And I still have words. The older I get the more I know, and I don’t lack for ideas. I can take that stream of words for granted, as I did my physical stamina in my youth, but then I’ll read about an author who is blocked, or someone who struggles to put words together in an arduous slog and I’ll realize the gift of the words is significant.

Late in life love. When I was young, I always thought it was sweet when people over fifty got married. I assumed these late in life marriages or romances were practical arrangements, two people deciding to combine their finances, have a travel companion, and pledge to care for one another when sickness or infirmity arose.

Dating in my forties and fifties did nothing to improve my forecast about the chance of late in life love. I was convinced I would stay unmarried because I believed marriage after fifty would inevitably be about settling for less, an exhausted resignation from the hell of online dating, prioritizing practical considerations and companionship.

Until I met my husband. It helped that he was exponentially more attractive in person than in his online dating profile photo, but as I got to know him I realized he was checking boxes that I had long ago taken off any mental list. He is the only man I’ve ever known who reads more books – novels! – than I do. All these things I had wanted in a partner but been told to let go of looking for because they would be impossible to find. Yet, here he is. We’ve been together for years and married this September, both in our sixties. Surprise, surprise.

Wisdom. Throughout human history, elders have been known for wisdom, and many elders moved into that role as their duties raising children and providing for the family and the community eased, leaving more time and space for learning and spiritual practice. I’ve had a spiritual practice for many years, but I didn’t think the accumulated learnings from those practices would give me wisdom.

Our cultural narratives about aging are focused on diminished mental capacity, not expanded spiritual authority. But I find that I understand more as I get older, I have a perspective and, yes, wisdom, I didn’t realize I would achieve. I’m still misguided, wrong-headed, and flawed quite often. But I see it more quickly, I apologize faster and make genuine amends. Intellectually, emotionally and spiritually I am expanding, not contracting. Who knew?

All my life people have tried to tell me who I am allowed to be and what I am allowed to expect. I have kicked against those narratives my whole life, especially as I age, since the stories about aging women are so destructive. Now I see that aging well, managing the inevitable limitations with equanimity and invention, relishing the new joys and opportunities, continuing to do good work, loving intensely and well, is the best possible revenge.

Me and Mary Virginia at my birthday party 1975

Me and Mary Virginia at my book launch May 2025