The Goodbye Kit

On leaving and ending

Whenever a plane crashes, I wait for the other two. I have a superstition that plane crashes come in threes. My long-standing fear of flying no doubt makes me easy prey to such a foolish notion, but after the first crash I still scroll through the news for crashes two and three and then feel a beat of relief when if find them, like a macabre to-do list for fate.

I am, right now, going through a number of changes, unwelcome, unanticipated, unfinished. Relationships are shifting, a community I once cherished has moved in a direction I can no longer support, and various professional evolutions continue to unfold.

And the rule of three does not apply, there are more than three, and I’m disoriented by the grouping, it’s like a swarm of angry hornets. I’m better with changes I choose – the relationship I end, the group I step away from. Not surprisingly, the ones I do not choose are harder, the bitch slap of fate which ends something I thought was going strong.

I don’t want to write about endings, but I can’t concentrate, my mind is so distracted by the unfolding bitch slap of fate that I am walking aimlessly about my house, occasionally rearranging a kitchen cupboard, which is all I can seem to handle at the moment.

Here’s my plan for a Goodbye Kit. I’ve done all of these but the last two and it is helping.

One: Stop, drop and feel the fuck out of your feelings.

Stop drop and roll. I don’t know if you remember those instructions, but the idea was that if you catch on fire you should stop drop and roll. So, the first thing is stop and drop. Step away from whatever you can, and drop into whatever is restorative. I’ve been aggressively challenging myself to rest, or at least stop working, unless it’s something helpful like writing here. I got a good audio book to distract me, and am putting some order into my physical space, which is about all I can control right now. And I am feeling all the feelings, until I’m too tired to feel anymore then I just distract myself with books or movies or exercise.

Two: Watch out for the Inner Community. In my book, I write about the Inner Community, those perspectives, old ideas and “voices” many of us carry with us. Some of the voices are helpful, others are not. When I am stressed, my inner community tries to restore balance, often in unhelpful ways. I try to assert some sense of control by making up a story that I have more power than I actually possess. Usually this is self-condemnation. If I was a better person then X would not have done Y. I should have seen this coming. Or I will shift into Worst Case Scenario mode and predict a wide and varied array of really terrible outcomes which could never happen simultaneously. All of this keeps me distracted from the worry and sadness, but it also burns up so much mental energy.

Three: Get support. But be selective. Be clear about what you need and then go get it. Do you need someone to have your back and support you, who can be mad with the person you are mad at, and hold off on any advice, perspective or judgement? Last night, in the middle of a new thing, I spoke with my husband, and he did all of this, and it was balm. I hear you, that is terrible, you poor thing. Over the weekend, I needed structured advice on another ending, and I asked two friends who gave me a spiritual framework for working through that transition, a process which included understanding what part I played. I also avoid people who skip to false positives or “it will all be fine,” because I’m not there right now.

Four: Reflect. If you like to journal, try writing, or maybe talk through this with a person. Here’s my assignment, yours may differ.

A. What were the gifts from this? (job, project, community, relationship). What did I learn, what joys did it bring, what was wonderful about it?

B. What were the challenges?

C. What did I learn?

D. What do I want to carry forward with me?

Honestly, I’m not ready for this part yet, but I can see how it will be useful .

Five: Ritualize. Ritual is deeply transformative, and I like to incorporate it wherever I can. Again, pick something that works for you. I have written things down and burned them, or literally shaken the dust of a place off my shoes. Any small physical manifestation of a letting go, moving on, rearranging can help.

Drop a note in the comments of anything you have in your Goodbye Kit.